Feeling Better, But Still A Bit Rambly

Well after the news I received on Friday, my boyfriend and some of his friends took me out to cheer me up. Four guys' idea of softening the blow of losing my job came out as golf, beer, and a combination of chicken wings and jalapeno poppers. I'd say it worked. Tomorrow is Monday, and there's no feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I'm already excited to sleep in, go to the gym and get some errands done. My motivation for the week has been refilled. Funny, my training in mental health has equipped me with the ability to recognize the symptoms of depression and anxiety, yet when I was clearly displaying them myself (loss of sleep, loss of interest in daily hobbies/activities, change in appetite, feelings of sadness/guilt) I didn't recognize them. Glad I'm out of that mess.

Having said that, I feel like I'm in a strange situation. I'll give you the rundown, but mostly for my own purposes of trying to keep everything straight in my head rather than explain it to the world. So feel free to skip this next paragraph if you're really only in this to leave a quick copy and paste comment at the bottom. It's okay, I won't judge you. I've done it before too.

In short, I have 23 credits left to be able to finish both my Master's degree and the requirements that qualify me to obtain my LAC. Of those credits, 12 of them are internship. I am still registered to complete an internship at the same place I was just hired at, but was told they typically give intern positions to people they want to hire in the future so...well I think I know how that's going to turn out. Meaning I have nowhere set up for an internship. In order to finish my Master's I only have 6 more credits...but that's still a couple thousand dollars.

I also still have my old job pulling night shifts at the psych hospital (I never officially quit when I got hired), but it's per diem. They haven't needed me in the last 2 months, but since I had the ice cream truck I wasn't complaining. Now that school's about to start in 2 weeks, I'm getting nervous. If they don't need me to work, I don't work. No hours mean no money, and no money means no school. I'm done with student loans, remember?

So it's crossed my mind to take a semester off. I know what you're thinking. No - wait - hang on - just - let me finish. I know what happens to people who take semesters off. They never finish. They move...or join the military...or get pregnant. You never hear from them again. Well don't worry, I'm not going to be one of them (famous last words, right?). But the thought of possibly working 8 hours every two weeks combined with the fact that our roommate moved out last month has made me rethink how I should spend what little money I do have saved.

With one exception.

See during the three weeks I had a job, one of the (awesome) counselors I met gave me a little bit of advice. He said, "In this business, you have to find something on the side to throw yourself into. Otherwise, you spend every day working with mentally ill drug addicts, and you begin to think everyone in this town is either crazy or on something." Well said. Plus it made me realize this: I have nothing that I throw myself into anymore. It's school and work. That's it.

So I took his advice to heart. I thought about everything that I used to enjoy doing. I came up with a million different things; writing, taking pictures, cooking, playing sports, writing music, painting, singing, dancing - and the list goes on. So many things, and I do none of them (save writing, I guess blogging falls into that category). But I decided to narrow it down a little by asking what all these things have in common, and I think it's this: they all involve doing something creative and new, and something that typically scares me.

Writing music, painting, dancing; these are all forms of self expression put into the world for others to collect as their own, and then turn and twist to fit their own purpose. People aren't judging the song I just played for them, they're judging a piece of my soul I've made vulnerable through the music they've just heard. Sometimes they don't connect with it, and that can hurt a little, but sometimes they do, and that moment can never be duplicated. Maybe that's why I originally went into counseling...to connect with people.

So it's all pretty up in the air right now. Basically I just want to find a small time job that has absolutely nothing to do with counseling. Something simple that can pay some bills and get my mind off things. I'll see what I end up doing this fall. And besides that, I want to try something new. Something creative that scares me. Any suggestions?