Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lesson 3: Spend It On A Memory

Whether or not I was wearing a bra was the least of her problems.

Side note: this post is probably meant for more mature readers. It's not vulgur by any means...just more...mature.

I awoke with a phone call.

"So I'll be over around noon, is that okay?"
"Red house on Howard, right?"
"Great, see you then!"

Boyfriend: "Who was that?"
Me: "No idea."

I went back to sleep.

I woke up around 11:30. Guess I'll find out whoever's coming over in about half an hour. I got up and tried to navigate my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. I had a pounding headache and was unbelievably thirsty-where the hell was the damn kitchen?

I wasn't in my house. I was in my boyfriend's house. And I was hungover. Ahhh crud.

I remember. The guy coming over was going to look at my furniture. I was moving and wouldn't need most of it, so I was looking to sell what I could. His name was Miles, and he was a friend of my mom's. I remember her telling me he was very shy and quiet, so I needed to keep my sense of humor in check. Mmm hmm....

I found my shoes at the door. Heels. No good. I slipped on a pair of my boyfriend's tennies. These'll have to do.

"I have to run home real quick I'm stealing your car! I'll call you!"
I sped home and as I pulled up I saw two gentlemen standing at my door. I got closer and the younger one extended his hand. "Hi, I'm Miles, this is my grandpa. Um...hi."

I don't blame him for being taken aback. My smeared makeup and ratty hair probably made it look like I had spent the night in a gutter. I had the words "Lake Erie" scrawled on my left arm in green permanent marker along with an artist's poor rendition of a giraffe wearing a helmet. I was wearing an oversized Led Zeppelin T-shirt, a pair of baseball shorts, and because of the size difference, what appeared to be clown shoes. I shook his hand and tried to unlock the door - with the wrong set of keys - no luck. I was locked out.

As I pounded on the door and rang the bell for one of my roommates to let us in, I noticed something on the ground. A cake. A cake shaped like a... Oh no... 

It all came back to me. We'd had a bachelorette party for the ages last night. I can't imagine what was waiting for us behind that door. Oh well, no holding back now.

I pointed to the cake on the ground.
"You want some cock cake?"
They stared at me.
"It's funfetti. It's delicious."
Nothing. Tough crowd.

The door opened and a very angry roommate shielded her eyes from the sunlight. She looked at me, looked at the men next to me, turned around and marched back to her room.

Now let me paint you a picture. The house was a disaster. Phallic shaped cakes in a variety of colors and creative frosting techniques covered the countertops. A game of, to put it cleanly, "pin the trouser snake on the beefcake" was hung on the wall and various gag gifts and lingerie were strewn about the floor. Where to start, where to start...

"Well this is the couch," I said, removing a bright pink feathered boa and dusting off an assortment of trouser snakes that had never made it to their designated area. "And this," I said with a sigh, is the television.

Now don't judge me, but as a gag gift we had gone out and searched for what appeared to be the corniest porn movie ever made. We found one clearly made in the 80's, the men sporting fabulous mullets and wearing what looked like wrestling leotards. The cover was hilarious, the star of the movie attempting to look as macho as possible while holding a beachball (why?), his long permed locks flowing in what I'm sure was an artificial breeze. We never actually watched it of course, but nonetheless there it was, in the DVD player, the main menu playing on a constant loop.

"As you can see," I said, "It's in peak working condition."
"Uh huh, " said the grandpa.

My roommate stormed down the stairs and angrily shouted, "I'm going to Taco Bell, what do you want?!"
"I dunno, tacos."

"...and this way to the laundry room..."

Not quite. Our path was blocked by a lifesize reversible blow-up doll. I picked up "Trixie" and continued up the stairs. I showed them the washer and dryer, making sure to point out that they were particularly useful for washing dirty, dirty clothes, and were exceptional at stain removal. Blank stares. Oh come on, that was funny!

I showed them a dresser and a couple of end tables. They nodded in approval. We had agreed on $150 for all of it, and the Grandpa handed me two $100 bills. "Wait here a second," I said. "I'll get some change."

"No no no!" He stammered. "Just keep it. We'll be back later to pick everything up. Miles has your phone number?"
"Great, thanks for showing us everything. He'll call you. Haveaniceday."

If I didn't know any better I'd have thought they were in a hurry to leave. They scurried out the door just as my roommate was returning from her fast food run. We planted ourselves in the living room and ate our breakfast in that grueling hangover silence. After a few minutes she looked up and asked, "Were there people here this morning?"

The phone rang. It was my mom.

"Soo...I just got a call from Miles..."
"He said I have a very interesting daughter."
"Please tell me you were wearing a bra..."
"Mom trust me, the bra is the least of your worries."

Now despite my mother's embarrassment along with any inevitable consequences that come with throwing an "approved by me" bachelorette party (what is a ski-boot doing in the freezer?) this is one of my favorite memories. I budgeted for months for this party and spent all I had saved for it, not a penny less. And I it was soooo worth it. 

Lesson learned? Material items may provide that short term rush, but spending the money on an experience is everlasting. If you're going to spend the money, spend it on something you'll be able to take with you for the rest of your life. I got more enjoyment from that night (and the morning after) than I ever could from any shopping spree or fancy dinner out. And someday when I'm 85, I'm sure the memory of funfetti cock cake will still bring a smile to my face.


  1. So true - I'm an avid traveler and so would much rather spend money on those kind of experiences than on new clothes.
    And anyway, it sounds like with extra $50 for the furniture you recouped some of your costs!!!

  2. Great story! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I have had times that are similar, and you hit the nail on the head- that will be with you forever!

  3. ha ha ha! that was a great post! my own bachelorette party memories are hazy, at best. but i do remember waking up in my own bed, but wearing all of my friends' clothes.... and my desk was moved across the bedroom. but i agree that spending money on memories is better then anything else. although i don't tend to practice that as much as i should - as my closet would certainly tell you!

  4. Priceless. Seriously priceless. Love it.

  5. Funfetti cock cake brings a smile to my face NOW. Love it.

  6. You are terrible! :)

    I THINK....I will never be able to look at Funfetti the same way again!

  7. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!
    i'm sure you brighten their day no end. Everyone likes having a story to tell.
    I had a similar experience one morning with my (at that point) new flatmate's brother and father, although our party was still going. I was wearing my boyfriend's boxers and a skin tight vest. Nothing else. (after an unfortunate punch bowl accident) House full of drunkards.

    well done for keeping yur sense of humour in check!

  8. Fabulous. I've never come across funfetti before, so that was an education... ;)

  9. ha ha ha... that was so funny. reminded me of a time long time ago of a so called best friends bachelorette party. Yep it is so true it is better to spend the money having fun and memeories. So like you I will be broke well and truly into retirement and beyond. BUT i would have done heaps of great things. keeeep it up.

  10. Love your writing, you've got a very talented style happening there! Couldn't have told that story any better, what a laugh (and awesome memory!)

  11. Thanks for stopping by my blog Marlee, it was lovely to see a comment from you the other day :o)
    Great post! A cock cake... now that is definitely something you won't be forgetting in a hurry... poor grandpa ;o) He was probably secretly having a chuckle to himself!
    P.S. The pillsbury doughboy on the box is SO CUTE!

  12. Tough crowd, indeed! I laughed pretty hard throughout that post. Your writing style makes it even better :) I was also educated to just what "funfetti" is. I think my next birthday cake will have to be funfetti, although I don't know about the cock shape... haha.

  13. Great blog! I found you from a comment you left on my daughters blog...SweetSugarBelle. Enjoyed the story and I'll stop back by!

  14. Between my Master's Degree and my hubbies MD we are so freakin' out of control in crazy debt. We try to live as cheap as possible to avoid adding to the mountain, but our one weakness:
    The experiences we have traveling are so great and the memories.... It is just worth it, ya know?

  15. Ha thanks for the comments everyone!! I'm glad there's so many people that appreciate my often inappropriate sense of humor! You all are AWESOME!

    Oh and TheFamousStacie....stay posted...i've decided to do something very stupid and crazy that I will be letting you all know about very soon :)

  16. Perfect story! :) Thanks for stopping by earlier.

  17. Now to make the money last eh! At least he bought the stuff despite his discomfort!

  18. Wow so he bought it all anyway! Maybe he thought it would bring him good luck. :-)

  19. I would have totally had a bite of that cake. I have a memory or two of something similar, and I LOVED living it up again. Thank you!!!!

  20. Ha!!! I loved reading this post, it was great!!!! Loved the way you wrote it, I felt like I was there ;). Thank you so much for you're very sweet comment, it meant the world to me, I love taking pictures ;). xoxo Karina

  21. Hey Marlee! My first DSLR was a Canon Xti. They don't make those any more, but depending on how much you want to spend I would say any of the Canon Rebels... XS, t1i, t2i. Those are good starter cameras! Now let's see more of your pictures on your blog! :)

  22. Well... your blog is fantastic! I love your blog I'm following!


  23. Hilarious!! Oh you should make a movie!! Love all the details, right down to the 80's porn & that fact your mummy was worried about you wearing a bra, or not. Classic, love Posie

  24. This is good... really good! You definitely made me laugh and now I'm making my hubby read this! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day! Hope to see you back! I'm following you!

  25. I'm so happy you found my blog, otherwise I may not have found yours! This was hilarious!! I will be happily following your blog from now on! :)

  26. Thanks for checking me out! I'll be sure to come back often. ;p

  27. This is such a fun post, and your sense of humour is amazing.

    I like how you balanced the light hearted stuff in the beginning, then ending your post with a good reflection about the whole experience.

  28. This was h i l a r i o u s !! A classic tale that I'm sure will have you in giggles for years to come :)


Related Posts:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...