To the couples of the world out there who insist on fighting with each other around everyone else because they think it proves they are more comfortable and more "in love" than the rest of us who are acting civil: knock it off. It doesn't work that way. It's awkward and annoying and you're making asses of yourselves.
I'll give you an example.
A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I went to dinner with one of his friends and his friend's new girlfriend. I'm not a huge fan of double dates when at least one person is an unknown, but his friend (which for the sake of this post we'll call "Frank") was eager for us to meet his new lady (who we'll call....hmm..."Beyonce"). Plus the restaurant we were meeting in is fantastic so...how bad could it be?
It started out pleasant enough, "What do you do", "Where are you from", "I love your hair/top/shoes", but then it took a turn for familiar territory, and not the "good" kind either.
"Stop eating the garlic bread," Beyonce whispered to Frank with a nudge. "It makes your breath all garlicky." "We're at an Italian restaurant," he retorted, "Garlic is the reason people come to Italian restaurants."
She looked at me with an annoyed look on her face and rolled her eyes. Great, I thought. This is going to be a long night.
The waiter came by to take our order. "Can I get you anything to drink?" "I'll have a glass of wine," she said, and he turned to look at me.
"Best to just get me a bottle," I sighed. "I'm sure I'll be having more than one."
Beyonce: "It has too many stripes. It's too bright."
Frank: "I like the stripes though."
Beyonce: "You never care what I think."
Beyonce: "You are so difficult."
Me: "Or burritos..."
My boyfriend: "Anything with beans really."
Frank: "I'm being difficult? Because I wore a shirt?"
Me: "Pinto beans."
My boyfriend: "I'm more of a black bean guy, myself."
Beyonce: "I can't believe you're acting like this."
Me: "I wonder if they have crayons here."
Me: "Blue ones. Pink, red, yellow, purple...people eater...bop bop bop..."
Beyonce: "Why do you want to fight so bad?"
Frank: "Why do you hate my shirt so much?"
My boyfriend: "Marlee put that down, it's not a toy."
Beyonce: "The only one who gets me here is Marlee."
Everyone at the table: "............"
Me: "More wine, please?"
And if not...well just make sure there's plenty of wine.