Lesson 7: Know When You're Going In Circles

Me: "You love baseball more than you love me."
Boyfriend: "No I don’t, that’s ridiculous."
Me: "Yes you do. If me and baseball both showed up at your front door you would have sex with baseball first."
Boyfriend: "You could watch..."

Every couple has something they are likely going to argue about until the end of time. For my boyfriend and I, it is the never-ending “Dropball vs Curveball” argument.

See I have played softball my entire life, and he baseball. I was on the university softball team and he on the university baseball team (a peek into the “how we met” story perhaps?). Problem is, while some of the pitches have the same name, they do not do the same thing. The most glaring example of this is the curveball.

In softball, the curveball typically curves to the left. In baseball, a curveball dives downward. What follows is a rough dialogue of our neverending fight:

Him: "Baseball was established first, which means it’s right."

Me: "The only reason it was established first is because that time period was sexist, otherwise softball would have been around at the same time."

Him: "Are you really going to play the sexist card on me here?"

Me: "Are you really going to play the “shotgun” card on me here?"

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "Softball is an adaptation of Baseball. Therefore, Softball should use whatever was currently in place. Baseball calls it a curveball, so Softball should call it a curveball."

Me: "No way! A curveball should curve, not drop. Baseball’s curveball drops, therefore it should be called a 'dropball'. Softball’s curveball actually curves. Softball got it right."

Him: "No, Softball made up the name 'dropball' because they’d already used 'curveball' incorrectly. Softball is just adding to its first mistake."

Me: "No, Baseball is adding to its first mistake. Who names a pitch after an inaccurate movement? Did they want it to curve? 'I’m gonna go outside and practice throwing a spiralball. It doesn’t move in a spiral or anything, but I really want it to so that’s what I’m gonna call it.'"

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "Baseball pitching mechanics are harder, we should get to name the pitches."

Me: "Baseball pitching mechanics aren’t harder, they’re inferior. Softball mechanics go along the natural arm movement. If Baseball was around first, why didn’t they think of that?"

Him: "You play with a yellow ball."

Me: "You’re too scared to play a reasonable distance from the batter."

Him: "You have helmets specially made for your ponytails."

Me: "You re-adjust your crotch between every pitch."

Him: "You think 7 innings is a full game."

Me: "You think 3.4 is a respectable ERA."

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "There’s no such thing…as a riseball."

Me: (Gasp!)

Him: "........."

Me: "Take it back."

Him: "No."

Me: "Take it back." (I grab his Atlanta Braves hat).

Him: "You leave my hat out of this!"

Me: "No! Take it back or the hat gets it. I’ll put it in a room with Study Buddy (one of our cats) and he’ll piss all over it."

Him: "You wouldn’t..."

Me: "I might. I’m a crazy person right now. I don’t know what I’m capable of."

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "Please put my hat down."

Me: "Take it back."

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "Fine."

Me: "Fine what?"

Him: "I take it back."

Me: "Say it so I believe you."

Him: "There is such thing as a riseball."

Me: "...and?"

Him: "And what?"

Me: "You know what."

Him: "........."

Me: "........."

Him: "...and I probably couldn’t hit it."

(I hand him his Atlanta Braves hat).

Him: "This isn’t over."

Me: "I know."

Him: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Spaghetti okay?"

Him: "I love you."

Me: "I love you, too."

Yes, I'll admit holding his Atlanta Braves hat hostage is probably below the belt, but then again so is his riseball comment. I love my man dearly, but the fact is, neither one of us are ever going to concede to the other when it comes to this particular topic. And honestly, I'm okay with that. The last thing I need is a man who agrees with me just to shut me up. I want someone intelligent enough and passionate enough to stand their own ground and still be able to say "I love you" at the end of the day.

And I think I've found just that.

What are your neverending arguements about?