Lesson 6: Collect Something Worthwhile

(While watching the movie "Home Alone")
Boyfriend: "Why don't you wear more outfits with shoulder pads?"
Me: "I dunno. I really should. I know how much you're attracted to linebackers."

Some people, as a hobby, collect certain items. Stamps, coins, dolls; the list can go on forever. When I was in 6th grade, I had a small collection of bookmarks. No idea why, it's not like I was ever reading more than one or two books at a time. But nonetheless I had a stack of about 120 bookmarks, and I was very proud of it.

Now that I'm an adult, my collections have changed a bit. Of course during my undergraduate years I, like many (if not all) college students, went through a shot glass collecting phase. My boyfriend and I also had a decent collection of local beer glasses, but after accidently putting all of our dishes in the "donation" pile during our last move, we've recently had to begin rebuilding the collection from scratch.

However, there is one thing we do collect that we're actually fairly proud of. It's a hell of a conversation starter, and the source of envy for more than a few of our friends. I don't even know how it got started really, but I've got to say, it's been a seriously useful group of items to have around the house.

My boyfriend and I collect awesomely bad movies.

First of all, we must define the term "awesomely bad", and I would define it as something so incredibly awful that it's hilarious. Now these are different than movies that are intentionally trying to be bad. I mean don't get me wrong, "Airplane" and any of the Monty Python movies are hugely funny, but they would be under the category of awesome, not awesomely bad. I think the perfect storm is when a movie tries to be scary or serious, while at the same time trying to make a political statement or teach a lesson. When it all goes wrong, the corniness factor basically skyrockets. And when that happens? It ends up in our living room, on our special awesomely bad shelf.

A little top ten action, you ask? Why certainly!

Top 10 Awesomely Bad Movies

10.) Sidekicks

Take your overall karate movie plotline: a kid considers himself a nobody so to turn his life around, he begins idolizing someone who is seen kicking ass on a regular basis. Who better than Chuck Norris? And no I don't mean Chuck Norris as a character, I mean Chuck Norris as himself. In a classic case of overacting and good vs evil (not to mention some seriously impressive nunchuck action), Chuck once again goes the distance in awesomely bad movie #10. Unless you want to spoil the climactic (although possibly predictable) ending, here's a little peek:

Oh and by the way, if you happen to come across a movie starring Chuck Norris called "Octagon" buy it. Pay whatever it takes. It's probably Chuck's worst yet, but being that it's only available in Japan, I didn't find it fair to put it on a list meant for more mainstream films.

9.) Nothing But Trouble

I actually struggled whether or not to put this movie on the list. Since it has a cast consisting of Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase, and John Candy, I really had to debate if the movie was meant to be horrible. Nonetheless, while there was an abundance of slapstick humor (the judge's removable nose is the tip of a...um...p.e.n.i...), some basic laughable dialogue (c'mon it's John Candy and Chevy Chase), and even Demi Moore (in an obviously insignificant career move), I just couldn't get past the utter ridiculousness of the characters and premise. The movie literally has no plot, just a string of events that seem to be an excuse to...well honestly I have no idea. Still, looking back, I just can't fathom how a movie could be made this bad unintentionally, so maybe I'm in the wrong on this one. Still, if you consider yourself an individual who happens to be rather friendly with a young lady named Mary Jane, you might want to consider putting this one in your overall movie collection next to Fear and Loathing. Here's a look at the preview:

8.) Class Act

Oh where to start...

Set in the early 90's, from the rap/pop duo Kid'N'Play in the midst of shoulder pads, stonewashed (or is it acid washed?) jeans, and electro jams, this movie clearly shows the longterm effects of inhaling large amounts of hairspray for an entire decade. Two high school students, the honor rollee and the criminal, enroll in a new school where they find their transcripts have been inadvertently switched. With both students desperate for a chance to live life on the "other side of the tracks", they don't alert the school to the error, and shenanigans ensue. Add on an over the top "Say No To Drugs" message, and the movie crosses over into the realm of awesomely bad. Although basically anything from this time period provides a weath of movies known for their embarassing 90's existence, this one just barely finds itself in victory lane. It was a close one though (I'm lookin at you Return To Frogtown). Here's a preview:

7.) Street Fighter

In this video game adaptation, you've got all the makings of a great movie. A $20 million ransom, a fictional region of Asia, gang infiltration, an amazing amount of fighting and explosions, mutants...

Problem is, you also have some incredibly cheesy lines combined with some brilliant overacting. Don't believe me? It stars Jean-Claude Van Damme. 'Nuff said. Here's the 1994 trailer:

6.) Airborne

Ah your everyday love story about a kid from out of town, just trying to get by on his above average skating skills. Throw in a predictable conflict with the high school hockey jocks and a gigantic, completely unrealistic downhill "course" named Devil's Backbone, and you've got yourself a stage set for some awesomely bad rollerblading redemption. There's also the rare treats of seeing some of our more successful stars in their beginning days (Jack Black, Seth Green, among others). I present to you a slice of my listworthy movie #6:

5.) Only the Strong

I know, I know, another early 90's pick, but I just can't help it. They really are that fantastic. This movie contains the airtight logic that troubled youth on an obvious path to drugs and destruction can be turned in the right direction by the introduction of a martial arts style of dance. Plus the main character is "The Chairman" from Iron Chef (as well as other movies, but that's how I know him best). Grab some cheetos and give it a shot:

4.) Roadhouse

If you're a man, there is no reason for me to explain further. Plus you probably already own it, and it's not in your "awesomely bad" collection, it's in your "best movies of all time" collection.

If you're a woman, watch this preview, and I dare you to challenge me on the incredibly unrealistic (and hilariously misleading) nature of the following movie:

3.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze

I know this seems insulting, to put a movie so incredibly spectacular as this on a list as moronic as this, but there's just no getting around the fact that it's about teenage mutant ninja turtles. I'm sorry to those of you who are fans (I'm a huge one) but just because people love it doesn't mean it's not awesomely bad. Why the second one? It's titled "Secret of the Ooze". It's about ooze. And there's a secret about it. And the entire movie is based on this secret. C'mon, it's just asking for a spot.

2.) Zombie Strippers

I really can't say it any better than the title already does. God I love this movie:

1.) The Last Dragon

If you've never heard of this movie until now, let me say "you're welcome" ahead of time. It's got karate, a main character named Bruce LeRoy, a mystical power called the glow, a pop princess (singer Vanity - disovered by Prince and clearly blowing her big break), a bad guy wearing NFL shoulder pads and venetian blind sunglasses, not to mention a wise old karate man who seems strangely similar to Mr. Miyagi. Give it a go, thank me in the morning:

Alright folks there it is, my top 10 awesomely bad movies. The collection has others, but these are the main attractions. So tell me, what are you favorites? Does my list hold up, or is there a gaping hole (something by Nicholas Cage perhaps?) I might have overlooked? Let me know!

P.S. As always, don't forget to vote in the poll on the right! Read this post for explanation!