Lesson 15: Know Your Weaknesses

For most of us - scratch that - all of us, there is at least one situation that not only tests our ability to make our own decisions, but proves we're completely lacking in it. A specific circumstance that, when the conditions are duplicated time and time again, we perform the exact same action, regardless of any preconceived plan.

"Not I," I can hear you muttering under your breath. Sorry, but I'm not buyin' it. You're just as vulnerable as I am. I actually like to think I'm pretty good at exercising that whole 'free will' concept, but because I am already sensing your growing skepticism before I've hardly completed my second paragraph I'm willing to give a few personal examples in order to shed some light on my end of the argument.

For instance, if I at any time I discover a piano within walking distance, I will play that piano. If a stray cat comes within a 20 block radius of my current location, I will find that cat and I will pet that cat. If at any time I find myself within reasonable proximity to cake, a small portion of that cake will be missing by the time I leave. These things are entirely out of my hands, people. It's cause and effect. Just as simple as that.

Still shaking your head in denial? How about when you're at a friend's house and there seems to be some kind of food preparation taking place. Do you consistently weasel yourself into performing a certain cooking task? Like chopping? Or mixing? Or taste-testing the brownie batter/cookie dough? Right, that's what I thought.

So now that we're on the same page, I'd like to share with you the specific item that causes an avalanche of chaos the moment I come in contact with it. My own personal 'life landmine', if  you will.

Last year was my most recent encounter. It was a random Saturday afternoon and I found myself in a Barnes & Noble, browsing the shelves for a book to entertain myself with until I felt like doing something more productive. Just killin' time on a lazy Saturday, that's all. Frolicking about...doo-doo-dee-doo...just a lookin' and a readin'...not hurtin' anybody...

AhhhhhI'mlying. I lied. Just now. Sorry. Spoken like a true addict I've sugar-coated my story to make it seem more innocent than it is. But I can't lie to you, faithful follower. You're just so damn pure...

You see I never just casually "end up" at Barnes & Noble. I go there with a specific purpose, and once I am there, I never just nonchalantly drift among the various genres, letting my interest rise and fall depending on the selection before me. I more or less stall, attempting to navigate in a strategic way that allows me to "accidentally" arrive at the giant wall in the back left corner. "Act natural," I tell myself. But I can't act natural, I'm too excited. That wall, you see, is the "forbidden section".

The "forbidden section" is the travel section. And on that wall, at the very top, is a book that is completely off limits. In my mind, I describe it as about four feet tall and two feet wide. A monster on the thrown that is the top shelf. It radiates a soft comforting music that draws me in like a moth to a bug zapper. Oh yeah, and it glows in the dark.

Okay in real life it's nothing all that fancy, but this is my story so that's irrelevant. It's the National Geographic book Journey's of a Lifetime: 500 of the World's Greatest Trips. It's honestly not even allowed in the house. I would be completely broke if it were, my savings account having been drained to purchase plane tickets and pepper spray. But in Barnes & Noble, it sits on that back wall, beckoning to me; the staff completely oblivious to the havoc it wreaks on my imagination.

The last time I saw it, I texted my boyfriend to let him know of my dishonorable intentions:

Me: I found a very bad thing.
Boyfriend: Um...what's that?
Me: I'm in Barnes 'n' Noble.
Boyfriend: Marlee, put the book down, and slowly back away.
Me: I can almost reach it.
Boyfriend: It's dangerous.
Me: It's so pretty...
Boyfriend: Marlee...
Me: It has PICTURES!
Boyfriend: On my way.

And 20 minutes later I was rescued.

Someday I will own that book. It's not like it's incredibly expensive or anything, it's just something I can't have at the moment. My impulsive nature being as strong as it is, there's no telling what would happen if it were being consistently provoked with pictures of gardens in the south of France or stunning landscapes of New Zealand. No, that's just not a good combination. So for now I wait.

And what about you? Do you have any 'life landmines' that you're aware of?

Lesson 14: Go For It

Fun fact: I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore. Ever.

But I have watched the Monarch Butterfly Migration countless times, mentally putting myself in central Mexico when they take off in the millions. I also can't tell you what the latest fashion trend is, but I can quote you airline tickets to any continent at any time of year, because the last time I checked was probably less than an hour ago. And I wouldn't recognize Kim Kardashian if she hijacked my car, but I'd probably run down a random man from 100 yards away because my vision-flawed eyes convinced me it was Anthony Bourdain from the Travel Channel's No Reservations. Personally, I'd think I were doing him a favor. I'm sarcastic, he's sarcastic. He's funny, I think I'm funny. He'd want to meet me, right?

Er, right. Plus he kind of has my dream job, traveling around the world documenting his experiences with food and culture, all the while narrating with the clever sense of humor I find so brilliant. Ah the skill of storytelling, of connecting.

And that's what I want to do. If you've checked in on me from time to time you may have witnessed first-hand my difficult realization that the office-bound, paperwork-flooded career I've been pursuing in counseling is, in fact, a terrible fit for me. On top of it, I've been up countless nights, giving in to the guilt and shame brought on by thoughts of my impressive student loan history being used for something I was never even passionate about in the first place. I feel as if I'm being snobbish and picky, like I've spent $15,000 on a new car only to refuse to drive it because the color green just "isn't my taste". Here we are in an economy where jobs are few and far between, and I've got a leg up on the competition and I'm not going to take it? What's wrong with me?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. It's taken a lot of tears to accept the fact that the path I've been following was started by someone else, but that doesn't mean I'm condemned to it. Furthermore, it doesn't  mean I should feel guilty about deviating from it. And the end result? I feel liberated.

This is the first time I have actually felt excited about what I might be doing for a living. The kinds of jobs I sought out in high school (photojournalism, cake decorator, florist) are the creative, fast-paced, hands-on jobs I not only loved, but was good at too.

So lately, I've been working with a photographer in town, for free. She's incredibly helpful, she's passionate, and she really knows what she's doing. The information I'm learning from her is priceless. And a bonus? She was in a similar situation as myself. Switched from her RN to photography after a realizing she hated her current career, and never looked back. Makes me feel right at home.

In the meantime, I'm still working per diem night shifts at the hospital, which pays fairly well and allows me to make my own schedule. As an added bonus, on slow nights (like tonight), it allows me the freedom to research in depth information.

Like how I might go about getting hired as a writer for a local newspaper or magazine (or just intern there), and making sure the camera I want is the right one for me.

Oh and which camera is that, you ask? The same camera I've had my eye on for the last two years: the Canon EOS 7D. (In reality, I want the Canon 5D Mark II but let's be honest people, it's going take another year minimum to save for that sucker.) But at least I know the cheaper alternative is a good match.

So for all the negativity that seems to be surrounding my situation, I feel I'm actually pretty lucky. I know the gear I want (I've researched it thoroughly) and I'm excited about the idea of gaining experience writing in the "real world". As an added bonus, I know my education is not going to waste. My training in counseling (e.g. knowing the right way to phrase questions to allow someone to open up) has given me an edge when it comes to interviewing people. Hmm, maybe someday I'll be so lucky as to trade verbal punches with a grimy politician of some kind...yes I think I would like that very much.

So consider yourself warned, Anthony. While I may not be gunning for your job just yet, I am attempting to loosely follow in your footsteps of sharing other's experiences through the art of storytelling, in whatever way that may be. Oh and if we ever do meet? Watch out, I'd like to think I'm pretty damn hilarious myself.

         

New Page: Weight Loss Community

In this post, I explained that I am currently trying to lose 20 lbs within 62 days. Recently, I've gotten so many comments and emails about people who want to join in along with me, that I've decided to do just that; make a way for people to join in!

So I'm making a new page for all of us! I'll update it daily as I update my own progress. Just email me or comment with your name (or code name), height/weight, goals, and progress, and I'll add you to the display!

Oh and if I don't hear from you after a while? I'll email you to check in, and see how everything is going. Hopefully it'll help to keep everyone on track. Actually, let me know if you want to have your email displayed I'll even leave a spot available for it. Think of it as your own little healthy community. We'll be each other's fan base and support system!

I'll make the page as soon as I get a few more emails to get everything set up. Let's see how this goes!

 

Lesson 13: Reality Hurts

Well reality hit pretty hard this week. See our rent is due by the 5th, and since our roommate moved out in August that means our rent this month is double what it was last month. Combine that with the fact that I lost my job, and we're looking at some serious cutbacks. Granted, I'm still working at my old job (I never officially quit when I was recently hired) but it's per diem, meaning I'm not gauranteed any hours. And this week? I've only gotten one shift so far. Ouch.

So this puts a little damper on my goal of finishing school this fall. As much as I want to, it's just not feasible. My tuition bill (for my last 6 credits) is $1,866.55, and sorry to say but I just don't have it. Another downer? The classes I need aren't offered at all in the spring, meaning I have to wait until next fall to complete them. It's only 6 credits, but I'd much rather be done now.

So it's been time to have some serious talks about what we can and can't afford to live without. What I can't afford to give up? Gym membership and my phone. Unfortunately they're both already at the bare minimum. My gym membership is one of the cheapest in town, and my phone is basically only used for texting. Plus I'm already splitting a phone plan with my boyfriend and my mom, making it cheaper than if I were on my own plan.

Top of the list, of course, is getting this rent situation figured out. We've got someone who might be able to move in at the end of September, but that seems to be our only lead. It's tough to find a place as cheap as what we pay when we have a roommate.

Next on the list? Cable.

...........

Sorry I had to take a second there...that hurt. But we can't afford it, so out it goes.

On the bright side, you can look up most any tv episode on the internet now as well as buy whole seasons of our favorite shows. That way we don't even have to deal with commercials. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

The idea of a yard sale came up as well, but frankly, we don't have much to sell. It's okay though, we do have stuff we don't need, and $20 is better than nothing.

But don't worry folks, the internet isn't going anywhere. How else would I stay connected with you?