Friday, July 29, 2011

Worst Weekend Date Ever



This afternoon I turned the television on to find an episode of Sex and the City. I've hardly watched but a few episodes of this show, being in a position as far as possible from the fashionable men-hopping NYC friends of Ms. Bradshaw, but I do think we have one thing in common: I have also been on a horrible, horrendous meet-the-family weekend date.

So for your amusement, here is probably the worst introduction to a significant other's family. You're welcome.

My ex and I had been miserably dating for roughly a year, and he decided it was time I met his mother and two sisters. I didn't want to meet his mother, she had already made it very clear that he should've stayed with his previous girlfriend since she had paid for everything in the relationship. I didn't. He's a big boy he can pay for his own sh*t. This was going to be a very good time, I could feel it.

It started out as an 8 hour drive to Rock Springs, Wyoming. It was hot, and the air conditioner in my little car has never been it's big selling point. Halfway through the trip we somehow got into an argument about the health benefits of running. He thought it was extremely harmful to one's health because, and I quote, "The heart rubs up against the rib cage, wearing it out."  There's really no way to argue with that.

No really, I tried, there's no way.

It was a long drive.

We arrived at a hotel. I thought we were staying with his mom, but this got my hopes up as I preferred to see her as little as possible. But when we walked in I learned the hard way: she lived in the hotel. We were staying with her, in her one bedroom one bathroom room. All the vents in the room were covered with duct tape because she was a chain smoker, and the hotel owner slept in the room above her and could smell the smoke. I started coughing the second I walked in.

So there were 5 of us all together, him (we'll call him...Pen Cildick), his 2 sisters, his mom and me. We started with the usual chit-chat, how was the drive...good, good...real hot out today...sure is...scored some cocaine an hour ago...oh that's nice...wait, what?

I didn't know if I was hearing anything correctly, I was trying to breathe through the small crack in the window as her cigarette smoke swirled - no, scratch that - stagnantly hung in the air. My eyes burned, my throat hurt, my skin itched and I felt like I was dying. This must be what trapped in a burning building feels like. Only I've heard you pass out after inhaling a certain amount...why wasn't I passed out yet?

After 4 hours (not exaggerating) Pen and his mom decided they wanted to go to the bar down the street to catch up. His sisters and I (one was a year older than me, one was 14) wanted to stay in the room and watch movies. I could do that. They left for the bar, which they said you could see from the hotel window.

12:30 a.m - The phone rings. I answer.
"Hello?"
"Yes this is so-and-so (the owner of the bar) and these two are tearing this place apart, either come and get them or I'm calling the cops."
"I'll be right there."

We (me and his little sister, who was the only one from Rock Springs who knew where the bar was) get there to find it's really only a gas station with 3 bar stools in the back. The actual space designated for drinking was hardly bigger than a public restroom. When we were 10 feet from the door, Pen bursts through it, throwing himself onto the hood of the pickup out front. "We're driving!" he shouts. "No," I reply, "we're walking. We didn't bring the car." "We're walking!" he screams at me, as he flips me the bird. But he can't walk. He can't stand up. He leans on me, bringing me to my knees. I finally figure out how to balance his weight with mine and we start taking one small step toward the hotel room. They were right, it's a straight shot from the hotel to the bar.

"That's mine, that's mine, that's mine..." he points to piles of puke outside the bar. "That's mine too. Oh and that one.." Fantastic. Behind me, I can hear his little sister trying to keep his mom turned in the right direction toward the hotel room, but she has to stop and pee, and there's a garbage can right there. How convenient.

A cop drives by. He pulls over. Of course.

He's 6'8" easy, and stands in front of Pen. Pen is laughing. "Is there really a cop standing in front of me?" he giggles. "Yup." "He's so big! Are you sure he's real?" He motions to the cop with his head in that drunk I-think-I'm-being-sneaky way that cops probably see all the time. "Yeah he's real."

He asks for our ID's. Pen doesn't have his. I don't have mine either. "I wasn't drinking," I explain. "I didn't think I needed it to go get these two. We just live right there." I point to the hotel. "Room number?" He asks. "Oh I have no idea, " I reply. "We're just staying the weekend."  We go in circles. He doesn't believe that I wouldn't know the room number we're actually staying in. The room number that two people are living in. My frustration is growing.

Pen in trying to dance. I can see the hotel, we're so close.

Four more cars pull up. Three of them are all black, and men in suits get out of them. What is happening? I think to myself. Haven't I seen this on Men In Black? The men in suits were introduced as the DEA. Whatever, I didn't believe them. I was convinced someone around us was an alien. Any second now they're going to get out those little memory erasey thingys...

They surround Pen, invading his dance bubble. I could hear his mom screaming at them, claiming she wanted a cigarette but one of them had stolen her lighter. That sounded logical.

Finally, one of the cops agrees to let me take Pen home while they question his mother. I struggle to walk him the rest of the way to the hotel, but I don't know which room number is ours, so I drop him off in front and decide I'll figure it out later. Bad idea. After I start heading back, I hear BAM! BAM! BAM!

I turn around and see him going door-to-door, banging on every one. Soon people were coming out into the street. They're angry. Pen is singing. A few cops run over to him, put him in handcuffs and sit him down on the ground. People are asking questions. His mom is yelling. Pen switches from singing to screaming, shouting and crying so they put him in the back of a cop car.

To sum it all up, they let them both go, but I had to deal with both of them being sick, belligerent, and smoking in the hotel room all night. Both him and his mother were completely hungover (read = total a**holes) the rest of the weekend, which meant they wanted to sleep all day in the hotel room. So that was fun. We headed home and he asked if I liked his mom.

What?

Is it any wonder we eventually broke up?

     So Followed Saturday       Sunday Blog Hop Shibley Smiles    

37 comments:

  1. I thought you were joking when you said "Worst weekend ever." I haven't heard a story this nuts in a long time. I can't believe all of this is really true!

    Clayton
    http://www.claytonpaulthomas.com

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  2. Oh my word! What a miserable "date" I hung on every word though kept hoping possibly something good would happen. But nope...sorry sweetie. Hugs!

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  3. Yuk!!! That would ceartinly be a horrible date!!! I must say though, I was really suprised the reltionship didn't last!!!! Lol!! Thank goodness you left the reltionship and are in such a better place!!!

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  4. That sounds like a weekend from Hell. But, hey it makes a great story! :)

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  5. Wait, 'eventually broke up'? I'm surprised you got in a car with him after that! I wonder what Pen is up to nowadays... :)

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  6. Marlee, I've been on some horrible dates, but girl, this one got itself in the Hall of Fame.

    Glad you are now with a good guy and you got a great story from it.

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  7. Yikes, that's bad. LOL thank you for linking up at Sisterhood Saturday and for adding me to your Blog Hop library! I'm following you now too! Great blog!!

    Tara

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  8. I'm a new follower from www.weidknecht.com!

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  9. Stop and Stumbling you from www.weidknecht.com!

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  10. It shouldn't have lasted past that weekend in my opinion...dude is lucky it lasted through the weekend...in fact you should of let the sucker go to jail...he MIGHT have learned something. Seems doubtful though considering he mom never learned anything...

    Stumbled this from Stop and Stumble Saterday on This Lil Piglet.

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  11. That was too funny. I've never known anyone else to be from Rock Springs. My brothers ex is from there and her whole family was a little crazy.
    Stumbled you

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  12. Wow..wow..WOW!! He sounds like..an interesting character. Sheesh.

    I'm following you back :o)

    <3-Cami from First Day of My Life Life

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  13. LMAO, sorry but it's so nuts I couldn't help but laugh. Glad you are rid of that winner. I've dated a few myself in my past...I will not bring up those lovely memories. ;)

    Thanks for popping by Stumble and Stop Saturday blog hop at http://www.thislilpiglet.net/2011/07/stop-and-stumble-saturday-hop.html
    Stumble liked and Google +1'd this post. :)

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  14. It amazes me how clueless some guys can be, lol. The good thing about horrible experiences like these are that they make great blog posts later.

    Stumbled! :)

    Oh My Gosh Beck!

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  15. Following back from Measuring Flower. Thanks for linking up! Have a great day! :-D

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  16. Oh wow! Simply wow! That's the craziest weekend/meet the parents story, I've ever heard!! LOL
    I'm glad you shared though, because I was thoroughly entertained and I'm still laughing!
    http://www.dailydishrecipes.com

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  17. I thought things like this only happened in movies :)

    Following you back, thanks for visiting!

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  18. Marlee, the man and the mom probably wouldn't have remembered if you left them both sitting outside the hotel and either found your own room or headed back home, alone, and in peace! Great story. Thank you so much for linking up. Definitely an un-Crowning Moment! though. In fact, it knocked the crown far, far away!

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  19. Wow. I wonder why you ever started dating someone like that. ^^

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  20. That is some story! Glad he is your ex! This had me LMAO. You shoe have left his sorry butt at the hotel and drove home!
    Thaks for the follow. I am following you too! :)

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  21. Wow that was a "meet the parent's week-end" HELL!
    Lucky for you he is an ex!

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  22. Hope this man and his family are no longer in your life. Girl, it is better to be alone and miserable than with someone and miserable.

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  23. What a horrible, yet hilarious story.

    --Jaclyn T
    Enter my giveaway for a handmade pouch http://positiveponderings.blogspot.com/2011/07/end-of-school-giveaway.html

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  24. I'm sorry but this made me laugh, and I needed a laugh today! Now following you back!! Thanks for stopping by mine!

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  25. Sounds like an interestig weekend to say the least ;) Thanks for stopping by my blog...following you back!

    http://wherenothinggoodcomeseasy.blogspot.com/

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  26. This was so funny! Great post!! I'm sorry you had to go through it though.

    And Thanks for linking up at my Silly Sunday Hop! I'm following back.

    http://www.rosasmommyblog.com
    Thanks and Happy Blogging!

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  27. This post had me breaking out in smiles... thanks for visiting my own four corners, am now happily following you back and enjoying your blog very much!

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  28. "eventually" broke up. I would have taken the car and left that night! OMG. That was absolutely horrible!! New to your blog and following you now :)

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  29. I'm not sure if I can even comment on that... I have to go pick my jaw up off the floor! WOW!

    Jessica @FoundtheMarbles

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  30. Oh wow... just, wow!!! I am stopping by from the blog hop and am a new follower, and I'm so glad I found your blog! What a story! It certainly made for some great entertainment and genuinely jaw-dropping moments! Yikes!

    I've had some pretty bad dating experiences myself, but the only one that even comes close would be the time I took a cruise with a total idiot and he got so drunk he threw up in pretty much every room on the ship, off the deck, and onto an overturned trash can that he thought was available to puke in, but was, in fact, upside down and cleaned up for the night.

    Our tiny cabin on the ship stank of vomit, and while he passed out when we got back to the room, I spent the rest of the night trying frantically to scrub the vomit out of his best suit and tie (it was formal night). He also tried to smuggle beer onto the ship, which smashed in our duffle and ruined everything inside.

    But even with all that said, your story definitely takes the cake. Holy crow!

    Anyway, I write a humor blog about all things motherhood. If you like to laugh, you might enjoy stopping by. I hope you do, and I will definitely be checking back to read more from you!

    Smiles, Jenn @www.misadventuresinmotherhood.com

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  31. New follower here and by the way, what a story you had about your date! Wow!

    Hope you will visit me at www.nanahood.com and follow back.
    Teresa

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  32. OMG! You know that can't be a made up story! I can't even imagine how you stayed so calm through it all.
    New follower through Sisterhood Saturday.

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  33. Wait a minute!!! You said, "Is it any wonder we EVENTUALLY broke up?" Oh my goodness! I would have got back in that little car with the crappy a/c and headed home the moment his mom said she scored some Cocaine...Or at least when they called for someone to come get them at the bar...or at the VERY least when he started banging on the doors!

    If you were my daughter or friend and told me about this I would have driven the 5 hours and kidnapped you (rescued you).

    I am so glad you did not become Mrs "Cildick" lol.

    I am definitely going to follow your blog from now on because I have to see you find a happy ending...and hopefully protect you from another "Pen" in your life :-)

    Oh, thanks for stopping by my blog in the hop...otherwise I would have totally missed this post!

    Anna

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  34. I am a new follower via GFC, Twitter and Facebook from the hop. I hope you can stop by my blog and check it out, and follow back.
    http://www.atthemapletable.com

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  35. I'm a new follower from the blog hop and I have o say this is one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time. Sorry you had to live through it!

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