Road Rage Retaliation

Folks I'm going to be completely candid about something here:

I am a horrific driver. I mean downright awful. I fully admit there is no reasonable excuse for me to ever be behind the wheel of a vehicle. I'm too daydreamy and scattered. Shiny car next to me? Someone riding a bike? Butterfly? An interesting cloud? The fact it's a Wednesday? All treacherous. I've been in eight (count 'em, eight!) accidents (I'm 26 years old) and in all of them I hit an immobile object.

Go ahead and read that again and let it sink in, I'll wait.

...eight accidents...I caused all of them...hit a non-moving object...Done? Good. I've plowed through fences, parked cars, street signs, mailboxes, barriers, garage doors, and that was in March. My one exception is when a deer hit me. No really I was parked letting them cross the road and one random, blind, superhero of a deer came darting out of the woods and slammed into my car. I take no responsibility. Well on second thought my car was green so...maybe it wasn't entirely the deer's fault. But still...it should've known better.

So when I'm in traffic, and someone pulls up next to me screaming obscenities and making non-friendly hand gestures, I don't generally argue. I figure whatever they're yelling about, they're probably right. I probably did do something stupid, I just haven't realized it because I'm too terrified to take my hands away from the 10 and 2 position. For the most part I just grovel, apologize, and keep driving while assuming I'm probably dragging a small tree behind me.

But every once in awhile, someone comes up next to me acting so overwhelmingly immature I can't help but mess with them a little bit. I know, I know, in this day and age anyone can get killed for any reason and road rage isn't all that surprising of a motive, but like every other person on the planet, when someone is mean to me I want to defend myself, and I've found the most frustrating form of retaliation when someone is acting like a complete a**hole is to act like they're complementing you. Seeing fury mixed with dumbfounded confusion and neck veins is always rewarding, regardless of what they're actually saying to you. And a few days ago, the opportunity presented itself:

Driver: "WHAT THE %#@ DO YOU $;(% THINK YOU'RE *#;$ DOING? YOU *$%; JUST $#%^ ;(%** $%^&*^%!!!

Me: "I'm sorry, did you need directions?"
Driver: "NO I %**% DON'T %^# %^* DIRECTIONS YOU #$%$%&%$ **($^!!!
Me: "Oh yeah that's on the left straight ahead."
Driver: "$% *(^) *%($ #%^!!!!
Me: "No that's going to be a left, not a %^*."
Driver: "%^*%^(^*%( (*$%^!!!!"
Me: "No, left. *^% is out on Broadway."
Driver: "%^*$(^*$*!!"
Me: "Red building, and it's no problem! You're welcome!"
Driver "%*^*#%*#(#*$@(!!!!"
Me: "Well I highly doubt they're closed, it's not even noon."
Driver: "YOU $%%^ LITTLE *##$%^(*^%&* *$%(^*$ ($*#!!!!!! #*%&^*(# *#$*!!!!!!"
Me: "Oh how sweet of you to notice, I have been working out!"
Driver: "$%(^*%()@#$%^$!!!!"
Me: "Well swimming mostly, you know, because it's been so hot lately."
Driver: "*$%* $*#$ *$(**@*(#$*%*)%(*$!!!!!!!!"
Me: "Aww, well aren't you just adorable! Such a sweetheart!"

I don't know, sometimes I just can't help myself.

So be honest now, do you have a favorite retaliation technique?

     

Oh and by the way, I've been spotlighted over at Amber's blog, Confessons From Boystown. Click here if you want to check it out!