Sunday, July 24, 2011

Road Rage Retaliation


Folks I'm going to be completely candid about something here:

I am a horrific driver. I mean downright awful. I fully admit there is no reasonable excuse for me to ever be behind the wheel of a vehicle. I'm too daydreamy and scattered. Shiny car next to me? Someone riding a bike? Butterfly? An interesting cloud? The fact it's a Wednesday? All treacherous. I've been in eight (count 'em, eight!) accidents (I'm 26 years old) and in all of them I hit an immobile object.

Go ahead and read that again and let it sink in, I'll wait.

...eight accidents...I caused all of them...hit a non-moving object...Done? Good. I've plowed through fences, parked cars, street signs, mailboxes, barriers, garage doors, and that was in March. My one exception is when a deer hit me. No really I was parked letting them cross the road and one random, blind, superhero of a deer came darting out of the woods and slammed into my car. I take no responsibility. Well on second thought my car was green so...maybe it wasn't entirely the deer's fault. But still...it should've known better.

So when I'm in traffic, and someone pulls up next to me screaming obscenities and making non-friendly hand gestures, I don't generally argue. I figure whatever they're yelling about, they're probably right. I probably did do something stupid, I just haven't realized it because I'm too terrified to take my hands away from the 10 and 2 position. For the most part I just grovel, apologize, and keep driving while assuming I'm probably dragging a small tree behind me.

But every once in awhile, someone comes up next to me acting so overwhelmingly immature I can't help but mess with them a little bit. I know, I know, in this day and age anyone can get killed for any reason and road rage isn't all that surprising of a motive, but like every other person on the planet, when someone is mean to me I want to defend myself, and I've found the most frustrating form of retaliation when someone is acting like a complete a**hole is to act like they're complementing you. Seeing fury mixed with dumbfounded confusion and neck veins is always rewarding, regardless of what they're actually saying to you. And a few days ago, the opportunity presented itself:

Driver: "WHAT THE %#@ DO YOU $;(% THINK YOU'RE *#;$ DOING? YOU *$%; JUST $#%^ ;(%** $%^&*^%!!!
Me: "I'm sorry, did you need directions?"
Driver: "NO I %**% DON'T %^# %^* DIRECTIONS YOU #$%$%&%$ **($^!!!
Me: "Oh yeah that's on the left straight ahead."
Driver: "$% *(^) *%($ #%^!!!!
Me: "No that's going to be a left, not a %^*."
Driver: "%^*%^(^*%( (*$%^!!!!"
Me: "No, left. *^% is out on Broadway."
Driver: "%^*$(^*$*!!"
Me: "Red building, and it's no problem! You're welcome!"
Driver "%*^*#%*#(#*$@(!!!!"
Me: "Well I highly doubt they're closed, it's not even noon."
Driver: "YOU $%%^ LITTLE *##$%^(*^%&* *$%(^*$ ($*#!!!!!! #*%&^*(# *#$*!!!!!!"
Me: "Oh how sweet of you to notice, I have been working out!"
Driver: "$%(^*%()@#$%^$!!!!"
Me: "Well swimming mostly, you know, because it's been so hot lately."
Driver: "*$%* $*#$ *$(**@*(#$*%*)%(*$!!!!!!!!"
Me: "Aww, well aren't you just adorable! Such a sweetheart!"

I don't know, sometimes I just can't help myself.

So be honest now, do you have a favorite retaliation technique?

The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom     

Oh and by the way, I've been spotlighted over at Amber's blog, Confessons From Boystown. Click here if you want to check it out!

26 comments:

  1. Hahahaha this post made me laugh!
    I love it.

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  2. OH that is so funny!! I love everything about this post...I am going to try this!

    Karma Kristin

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  3. What an awesome post to read on a dreary monday morning!! :) Thanks for the laugh!! Though, I am genuinely sorry that you're terrible at driving. I love driving!!

    I was actually thinking of doing something similar when that one lady yelled at me with my dog... lol. I was just going to tell her all about me and my dog... it probably would have made her uncomfortable ... If she didn't hit me first. LOL.

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  4. LOL that's awesome. I definitely can't judge on the driving, I'm still on my Learner's and it's terrifying! I do like that idea of pretending not to realise they're telling you off though :)

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  5. Stopping by from the Alexa hop. That was so funny-great way to handle road rage:)

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  6. Hi im a new follower from the blog hop
    you have a great blog i enjoyed reading it
    please come visit me anytime
    www.jolly.blogspot.com

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  7. thanks for the LOL moment this morning! (thanks too for stopping by yesterday and leaving me a comment) :o) www.chosenelements.blogspot.com

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  8. Love it!! I'll have to try that next time. I usually pretend that I don't speak english. :) Thanks for stopping by, I'm following back.

    Jess
    quinsmomma.blogspot.com

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  9. Hi!!! I'm stopping by and following from Monday Madness Blog Hop. I hope you'll check out my blog Frazzled Mama at http://frazzled-mama.com and follow me back. Hope you have a great week.

    Ha Ha. I love it. I'm definitely am going to try that. Thanks for sharing.

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  10. LMBO!!!!!! I once ran my car into a wire fence and blamed a jumping deer. Yea, there wasn't a deer!

    I've had people flick me off while driving bc they want me to go faster & are riding my tail. I just wave and if they flick me off while passing me, I make sure I blow a kiss. Mwah mwah!!

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  11. Stopping by from the Alexa blog hop!

    http://tamis-ramblings.blogspot.com

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  12. I'm your newest follower from the hop:) check me out at http://hugatreewithme2.blogspot.com whenever you can

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  13. Thanks for l inking up with us!!

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  14. Risky but sooo worth it. Good for you!

    ~ The Tuckerbag ~

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  15. You now have a new follower, Can you please Follow back?
    http://christy1986p.blogspot.com/

    Tweet with me on Twitter to.
    http://twitter.com/#!/CHRISTY1986P

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    http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Christinas-Voice/133218916750446

    Thanks have a great day!

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  16. That is so funny and such a great way to deal.

    Following you from Take Three Blog Hop

    http://bigjandlittlej.blogspot.com

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  17. Haha... I should try that some time :-)

    But really, I'm that a$$hole on the freeway on the second to farthest left lane who speeds up whenever someone tries to pass me on the right... or slows down whenever someone is tailgating me... or follow the traffic laws to the "T" whenever someone is being an a$$hole to me (ie coming to a full stop for a count of 3 before going at a stop sign, not exceeding the speed limit, enter turn lanes at the appropriate opening, and generally driving like I'm a granny!)

    And I've noticed that for some reason people get even more pissy when I wave to them as they speed by.

    Though I must say there are some really nice drivers out there! One lady helped me get my car going on a particularly snowy day when my car wouldn't go (my SO tells me that it's because I don't have a limited-slip differential... like I knew what that was when I bought the dang car!) and some guys who were driving behind me pulling up next to me just to tell me that I had a flat (the funniest thing is that I didn't even notice... my car was driving just find on a flat... weird).

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  18. You are brave ;-) I have been fortunate that I haven't really experienced one of these episodes ~ not because I'm such a good driver ~ more likely because they couldn't catch me! But typically, when I have dealt with these individuals, I try to give them my biggest "aren't you sweet" smiles and wave at them like they are my long lost best friend.

    Thanks so much for riding The Train!

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  19. LOL awesome "conversation". Thanks for stopping by the other day, I am following you as well.

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  20. Stopping by from the hops to say hello.
    Have a great day!
    POSH
    http://poshonabudget.com/2011/07/tuesday-friend-connect.html

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  21. But you're honest about it! I love it! I'm usually the one yelling at someone.

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  22. What a great way to defuse(?) a nasty situation! You're my hero!

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  23. Visiting you from the Alexa Blog Hop! Be sure to stop by www.loliloves2save.com

    Love the driving post!

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