Couples Who Fight In Public

To the couples of the world out there who insist on fighting with each other around everyone else because they think it proves they are more comfortable and more "in love" than the rest of us who are acting civil: knock it off. It doesn't work that way. It's awkward and annoying and you're making asses of yourselves.

I'll give you an example.

A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I went to dinner with one of his friends and his friend's new girlfriend. I'm not a huge fan of double dates when at least one person is an unknown, but his friend (which for the sake of this post we'll call "Frank") was eager for us to meet his new lady (who we'll call....hmm..."Beyonce"). Plus the restaurant we were meeting in is fantastic so...how bad could it be?

It started out pleasant enough, "What do you do", "Where are you from", "I love your hair/top/shoes", but then it took a turn for familiar territory, and not the "good" kind either.

"Stop eating the garlic bread," Beyonce whispered to Frank with a nudge. "It makes your breath all garlicky." "We're at an Italian restaurant," he retorted, "Garlic is the reason people come to Italian restaurants."

She looked at me with an annoyed look on her face and rolled her eyes. Great, I thought. This is going to be a long night.

The waiter came by to take our order. "Can I get you anything to drink?" "I'll have a glass of wine," she said, and he turned to look at me.

"Best to just get me a bottle," I sighed. "I'm sure I'll be having more than one."

At this point I feel I need to make something clear: I rarely drink. Not that I don't enjoy it, I just don't have the time. If I'm going to drink, then damnit I'm going to drink, which usually means the entire next day and maybe even the one after that are rendered completely useless. I have to really weigh whether or not the next two days are going to be worth trading for one night of craziness.

And tonight?

Dinner went on. The comments came and went. Problem was I was assumed to be instantly on her side, and my boyfriend was automatically assumed to be the enemy. "Oh my god, how can you be so dense?!" she would exclaim at Frank, and then look in my direction with a, "Marlee understands, right? Guys can be so dense sometimes!" She would then shoot a disapproving look at my boyfriend, the horribly dense man sitting beside me.

I was right to get the wine.

Beyonce: "I told you not to wear that shirt. Why did you wear it?"

Frank: "I like this shirt."

Her: "It's too stripey."

Frank: "Too stripey?"

Me: "You see the thing about garlic is..."

Beyonce: "It has too many stripes. It's too bright."
Frank: "I like the stripes though."

Me: "It rhymes with 'schmarlic'."

Beyonce: "You never care what I think."

Frank: "Of course I do, I just like this shirt."

Me: "They should serve tacos here."

Beyonce: "You are so difficult."
Me: "Or burritos..."
My boyfriend: "Anything with beans really."
Frank: "I'm being difficult? Because I wore a shirt?"
Me: "Pinto beans."
My boyfriend: "I'm more of a black bean guy, myself."
Beyonce: "I can't believe you're acting like this."
Me: "I wonder if they have crayons here."

Frank: "Acting like what, a person who gets dressed?"

Me: "Blue ones. Pink, red, yellow, purple...people eater...bop bop bop..."
Beyonce: "Why do you want to fight so bad?"
Frank: "Why do you hate my shirt so much?"
My boyfriend: "Marlee put that down, it's not a toy."
Beyonce: "The only one who gets me here is Marlee."
Everyone at the table: "............"
Me: "More wine, please?"

I'd also like to make it clear that I'm not completely blaming the women here, because I know many, many a man who do the same thing. That is, complaining and embellishing their wives' and girlfriends' bad habits as a way of fitting in with the guys. I've even asked my boyfriend what he says about me to fit in.

"I say you have a third nipple," he replies, "And that it lactates when you get angry." I laugh. We go to bed. End of story.

Now I'm not saying he's perfect. So maybe he does watch multiple baseball games at once on split screen television while watching two more on "gamecast" on his laptop, while also managing his fantasy team and checking college baseball scores, but I kinda think it's slightly impressive. And maybe he likes to tape down the handle on the sink sprayer a little too often so when I go to get a glass of water in the middle of the night I end up startled and soaking wet. But come on, it is a little funny, isn't it?

My point is this; maybe if we all stopped bitching about our other halves so much we might come to see their "faults" as kind of endearing...I mean it's worth a shot, right?

And if not...well just make sure there's plenty of wine.