Lesson 15: Know Your Weaknesses

For most of us - scratch that - all of us, there is at least one situation that not only tests our ability to make our own decisions, but proves we're completely lacking in it. A specific circumstance that, when the conditions are duplicated time and time again, we perform the exact same action, regardless of any preconceived plan.

"Not I," I can hear you muttering under your breath. Sorry, but I'm not buyin' it. You're just as vulnerable as I am. I actually like to think I'm pretty good at exercising that whole 'free will' concept, but because I am already sensing your growing skepticism before I've hardly completed my second paragraph I'm willing to give a few personal examples in order to shed some light on my end of the argument.

For instance, if I at any time I discover a piano within walking distance, I will play that piano. If a stray cat comes within a 20 block radius of my current location, I will find that cat and I will pet that cat. If at any time I find myself within reasonable proximity to cake, a small portion of that cake will be missing by the time I leave. These things are entirely out of my hands, people. It's cause and effect. Just as simple as that.

Still shaking your head in denial? How about when you're at a friend's house and there seems to be some kind of food preparation taking place. Do you consistently weasel yourself into performing a certain cooking task? Like chopping? Or mixing? Or taste-testing the brownie batter/cookie dough? Right, that's what I thought.

So now that we're on the same page, I'd like to share with you the specific item that causes an avalanche of chaos the moment I come in contact with it. My own personal 'life landmine', if  you will.

Last year was my most recent encounter. It was a random Saturday afternoon and I found myself in a Barnes & Noble, browsing the shelves for a book to entertain myself with until I felt like doing something more productive. Just killin' time on a lazy Saturday, that's all. Frolicking about...doo-doo-dee-doo...just a lookin' and a readin'...not hurtin' anybody...

AhhhhhI'mlying. I lied. Just now. Sorry. Spoken like a true addict I've sugar-coated my story to make it seem more innocent than it is. But I can't lie to you, faithful follower. You're just so damn pure...

You see I never just casually "end up" at Barnes & Noble. I go there with a specific purpose, and once I am there, I never just nonchalantly drift among the various genres, letting my interest rise and fall depending on the selection before me. I more or less stall, attempting to navigate in a strategic way that allows me to "accidentally" arrive at the giant wall in the back left corner. "Act natural," I tell myself. But I can't act natural, I'm too excited. That wall, you see, is the "forbidden section".

The "forbidden section" is the travel section. And on that wall, at the very top, is a book that is completely off limits. In my mind, I describe it as about four feet tall and two feet wide. A monster on the thrown that is the top shelf. It radiates a soft comforting music that draws me in like a moth to a bug zapper. Oh yeah, and it glows in the dark.

Okay in real life it's nothing all that fancy, but this is my story so that's irrelevant. It's the National Geographic book Journey's of a Lifetime: 500 of the World's Greatest Trips. It's honestly not even allowed in the house. I would be completely broke if it were, my savings account having been drained to purchase plane tickets and pepper spray. But in Barnes & Noble, it sits on that back wall, beckoning to me; the staff completely oblivious to the havoc it wreaks on my imagination.

The last time I saw it, I texted my boyfriend to let him know of my dishonorable intentions:

Me: I found a very bad thing.
Boyfriend: Um...what's that?
Me: I'm in Barnes 'n' Noble.
Boyfriend: Marlee, put the book down, and slowly back away.
Me: I can almost reach it.
Boyfriend: It's dangerous.
Me: It's so pretty...
Boyfriend: Marlee...
Me: It has PICTURES!
Boyfriend: On my way.

And 20 minutes later I was rescued.

Someday I will own that book. It's not like it's incredibly expensive or anything, it's just something I can't have at the moment. My impulsive nature being as strong as it is, there's no telling what would happen if it were being consistently provoked with pictures of gardens in the south of France or stunning landscapes of New Zealand. No, that's just not a good combination. So for now I wait.

And what about you? Do you have any 'life landmines' that you're aware of?

Irrational Fears

Fact: I'm scared of extremely stupid things.

This is a rather embarrassing fact about myself. Generally, I'm not scared of anything, and I mean anything. Trying gross foods? No problem. Creepy crawly/intimidating critters that fall into the "more scared of you than you are of them" category, like spiders, snakes, Grizzly bears or sharks? Bring it on. Even dangerous stunts, like skydiving or bungee jumping don't phase me.

But everyone has a few random strange fears. My boyfriend is convinced Bigfoot lives less than a mile from us, and a friend of his avoids sleeping over at our house because he thinks one of my cats is going to scratch his face off in the middle of the night. He'll pet them during the day, but for some reason as soon as the sun goes down he thinks they become rabid little beasts, like gremlins or something. As for myself, well, I admit I have a few unbelievably ridiculous things that terrify me. So here they are now:

My Top 3 Irrational Fears


3.) Being stranded in a car in 100 degree weather with no air conditioning or cracked windows. When I get into a car, I literally have to check to make sure there are no child locks so if there were a dramatic spike in temperature I'd still have a way out. I've had panic attacks over windows that have a slight delay before they roll down. I'm not kidding, folks. Heat + small space + no relief = instant crazy person.





2.) The old Burger King mascot. It's a guy in a king costume with a plastic face that hands out burgers. Come on people, it's one step away from a homicidal clown that hands out balloons and then follows you home and kills you in your sleep.

1.) People on television who seem to be speaking directly to me. For example, there's this new internet and cable company in Montana called Optimum. The main guy on all their commercials freaks me the hell out. He talks about how Optimum is here to serve me, then looks into my eyes and says, "In the coming weeks, I'll be back with more information." Except I hear, "In the coming weeks I'll slowly find my way to your house, and then one morning you'll walk out of your bedroom to find me sitting on your couch, wearing your high heels and holding a steak knife." I don't want him to be back. I want him to leave me alone and stop staring at me. If I ever actually see him in real life I'll genuinely think he's stalking me. I think he's stalking me right now, actually...creepy, creepy, Optimum commercial man...

So I'm sure there are a few more, but these are the basic ones. What are some of your irrational fears?

    

Three Weddings And A Baby

It's roadtrip time again!

Because of my boyfriend's insane schedule (he's a baseball coach for the university during the school year, then coach's legion during the summer) we have about 3 weeks before September to see some friends and family. So we're cramming it all into 8 days.

One wedding in Bozeman, Montana last night, another this evening in Belgrade, Montana, travel to Ogden, Utah to see my brother, his wife and my niece for 3 days, then Denver, Colorado for another wedding, then back to good ol' Billings, Montana for a little recuperation.

I'm always excited to see what goes wrong on a roadtrip, for some reason I always think that's part of the fun. And weddings are just awesome so...yeah let's get this party started.

Boredom Leads To Zombie Questions

I did nothing today.

Well I guess I did a little more than that...I did make a turkey sandwhich and do some dishes. At one point it even crossed my mind to do some blogging, but I thought it might interfere with petting my cat so, well, the blogging lost out.

I actually started off this morning with a self-professed brilliant idea, only to have my initial jolt of inspiration be short lived as soon as Mila Kunis mischievously began making eye contact with me from the cover of my roommate's GQ magazine. Just seconds earlier I had been blogging my little fingers away at a speed that would give Mavis Beacon a run for her money, but one distracting glimpse from Mila with her fashionably casual bedroom attire and delicious looking latte and my entire motivation was shot. God she's hot. Eff you Mila, it's not July anymore, you're old news. (Just kidding Mila you're never old news. I like your hair, so shiny...do you ever come to Billings? I love you...what?)

Also now I want a latte. Let's see where this post goes...

As of right now, I've watched the majority of the movie Predators in bits and pieces. I like it. Luckily I've got my boyfriend next to me explaining all of the nuances and throwbacks to the original Predator, so that was helpful. Then he found War of the Worlds and decided to watch that all the way through, the Resident Evil after that.

It was a good day.

Got me thinking though. Actually movies like Independence Day, 2001: A Space Odessey, The Day After Tomorrow, iRobot, 2012, or 28 Days Later always get me thinking. And I know I may get eaten alive on this one (pun for later, you're welcome) but...just hear me out...have any of you ever kind of, I don't know...wanted something like that to happen?

Right, definitely shouldn't have put that in writing. Anytime now I'm sure the feds will be knocking on my door to ask me a few, um, "questions" regarding my personal views on mankind. But it's too late now so let's address it.

What I'm saying is every once in awhile I wish something would happen similar to some of these movie plots that would test how I would really act. Something like a minor alien/zombie/robot invasion. That way I'd know if I'm adequately trained for the real deal. So far I've been in a couple high pressure situations, and I acted instinctively (and correctly), but there were no flesh-eating corpses, mind-scrambling extraterrestrials or homocidal machinery nearby at those times (at least none I was aware of).

As far as zombies go I like to think I'm overly prepared (and I am), but that's another post for another day. Aliens or robots though? Not so much. It seems they vary from movie to movie, whereas zombies have clear cut rules (destroy and/or remove the head, if you get bit you're a gonner). So far all I've learned about robots is there's always a master server that needs to destroyed, and with aliens some sort of biological warfare (virus) is probably the best route to take.

Oh yeah and don't bunker down with Tim Robbins, that guy's a nutcase.

So what about you? How do you think you would do in an alien/zombie/robot invasion?